How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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