I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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