Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
