Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
