I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
