I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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