are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
