so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
