i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
