My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
