Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
