Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
