everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
