how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
