omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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