Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
