If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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