Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
