I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
