Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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