you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
