just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
