my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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