I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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