I wanna bring you to show and tell
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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