I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
