Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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