i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
