I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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