omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
