The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
