I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
