Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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