At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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