I think my fart just growled at me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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