My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
