I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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