the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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