I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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