He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
