I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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