that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
