3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
