I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
