I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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