he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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