I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
