We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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