I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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