dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
