I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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